If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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