wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
