i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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