Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
