Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
