I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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