My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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