Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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