dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
