well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
