2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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