Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Less talking, more tequila
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
