Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
