Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
