I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I believe in your delicious
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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