Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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