Can Purell be used as lube?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
