Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
whose parrot is this?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
