Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
