How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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