He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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