She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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