You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
