i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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