So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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