On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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