I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
