By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
