I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
