if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize