I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
