He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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