I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
