everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
