Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
