I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My ATM looks so different sober.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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