ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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