dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
