my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
