Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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