Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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