Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Is Oprah even human
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
