I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
