Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
