either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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