How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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