how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
