i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
