thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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