Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
