the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
