I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Randomize
