I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
