she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
