Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
