I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize