if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
