Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
