If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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