Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
