Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
