so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I love having hate sex.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
