Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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